He Wants You To Lock Him Up!

Being a Keyholder

For Wives and Girlfriends with Men Fascinated by Male Chastity:

This article has been written for women who’ve just become aware of their husband’s or boyfriend’s interest in male chastity. You’ve probably lots of questions running around in your mind, and although we may not have all the answers we’ll try to give you some tips. The main thing to remember (assuming you want to join his fantasy) is that male chastity can be whatever suits you both as a couple. You don’t have to experience it in the same way as others, you can adapt and use what best suits your love and life styles.

So he’s explained his chastity desires, and wants you to join him by becoming his keyholder. What do you do now?

One thing to bear in mind is that it’s probably taken your man a lot of courage to let you into his secret chastity desires. It’s not easy to talk of something which may cause surprise or even rejection, and he’s probably thought long and hard about how, when and where to tell you. It’s unlikely to have been an instant, spur of the minute, decision.

What’s in a title? Mistress, Keyholder, Goddess?

Another thing to consider is the title he wants to bestow upon you – and do you want that! Along with discovering he’s into male chastity comes a lot of specific vocabulary and acronyms, grouped within that is the title your husband or boyfriend addresses you as in his mind or fantasy.

If you don’t like any of these names don’t accept them. If you don’t like the thought of being called Mistress, Goddess or Lady that’s absolutely fine, if you don’t like the name “Keyholder” that’s okay too – but if you want to join his fantasy simply take on the role of holding his key, the key to his chastity device, the key to his release.

Names don’t matter, what’s important is the fun you can both have with male chastity, providing you adapt what you read to your own personalities and way of life. Personally I like “Keyholder” it’s sexy to discretely wear his key around your neck, it’s a nice gently tease as he glimpses a view of it in a restaurant or whilst out shopping!

Where to find information?

If you do a Google search you’ll discover lots of informative sites, blogs, forums and retail web sites full of information about male chastity and whole array of different devices. However, a little word of caution: do bear in mind when reading these articles that some of them are compiled by men and present their perception of male chastity. Some may focus strongly on fantasy rather than reality. There’s nothing wrong with that, it’s how men understand and experience it, but you need to try to work out what’s fact and what’s not.

It’s well worth seeking out sites and blogs which focus on the keyholder. The same applies to books on the subject. Books can be an ideal introduction to chastity, but again you need be aware that some are written for and by men as an extension of their fantasy rather for than “ordinary” wives and girlfriends even if they appear to be written for female keyholders. As you read these articles and blogs you’ll soon get a feeling for what’s fact and what’s exaggeration.

    Why is your Husband or Boyfriend interested in chastity?

    The concept of being denied sexual pleasure for the privilege of pleasing you is highly arousing for your lover. We all have secret fetish dreams, fantasies and hopes and male chastity is just one of those. Because this sexually arousing desire involves the use of a chastity belt or device it may be considered to be a fetish, or a bit kinky, but that’s no bad thing really! We all need a bit of spice and excitement in our lives sometimes.

    What attracts him:
    1. It’s a secret fetish that your man finds highly provocative, arousing and very sexy, to the point that even just an image of a chastity device could cause the beginnings of an erection.
    2. It links in with the sexual fantasy of surrendering himself to you in erotic submission.
    3. It’s not just concerned with physical sensations, but the mind, body, emotional and inner most self. He will understand chastity as all encompassing desire, fetish or kink, that’s an intellectual, physical, emotional, sexual and spiritual experience.
    4. From his sexual fantasy perspective the allure is that his loving wife or girlfriend holds the key to his penis. His cock becomes yours, it’s freedom is dependent upon you releasing him. You hold the key to this release. You become his Keyholder.
    5. Your lover believes that he’s masturbating far too much and would like your help to control this by making him wear a chastity device to prevent him touching himself.
    6. He longs to be “Loved, Locked and Owned” by you, and he believes that wearing a chastity device will demonstrate his commitment and faithfulness to you.
    7. He longs to escape from every day realities and to allow his submissive desires freedom. This is a “need” for many men who long to set free their sexual submissiveness in the safety and security of their own homes and with their loving wife or girlfriend.
    8. Orgasm denial is highly arousing to him.
    9. He believes that you are superior to him and needs to demonstrate his acknowledgement of this by wearing a chastity belt or device.
    10. A highly sexy aspect is that your husband will aim to seek his pleasure in pleasing and pleasuring you, thinking of his keyholder’s needs above his own. Wearing a chastity device help him to sexually achieve this.
    11. He is interested in practising Tantric Sexuality and wearing a chastity device may help save his sexual energy for his higher, emotional and intellectual self.

    Although the above list is inclusive of the most common themes, your husband or boyfriend may find chastity appealing for one, several or none of the above reasons. A fetish or kink is a very personal thing and you might want to discover from your lover what is it about chastity that personally turns him on.

    If he’s found the courage to tell you about his desires and sexual fantasies he’s probably done so because he believes it’s something very special he can share with you, and feels that, in being his keyholder, you may really enjoy and relish it just as much as he.

    He longs to be “Loved, Locked and Owned” by you

    What’s Special about it?

    Chastity between a loving couple is unique, alluring and arousing. It is a special intimacy between you both, which you can keep secret from the world. Take a look through the other topics in our Chastity section to discover more – although it’s only this page which is specifically about holding his key and being his keyholder.

    How does chastity enhance your sexual pleasure?

    When a man is locked in his chastity device he learns through servitude and chivalrous behaviour that sexual gratification is not limited to the pleasure and moment of his orgasm.

    He learns and wants to place your pleasure above his.

    In our culture how often is sex considered finished after he cums? Are you sexually satisfied at this very moment too? Does it feel like you’ve been watching a good film together and he’s switched off the television half way through the movie?

    Chastity teaches him to consider you, and your orgasms. Whilst holding his key can could gently deny him permission to cum on many an occasion, and yet expected him serve his keyholder with his tongue and lips, or perhaps you favourite dildo, with skill, devotion and love. He will become a sensual, playful, confident lover considering only the needs of his Lady.

    Doesn’t it mean I’ll have less sex?

    Quite the contrary!

    Male Chastity is about you sharing his sexual fantasy and him fulfilling your sexual needs. His chastity fetish is all about pleasing you. (Although honestly it shouldn’t take the wearing of a chastity device to get him to do the washing up!)

    Wearing a Chastity Device does not mean your man is sexually inadequate. He can be masculine, sexually able, enjoy wearing a chastity device and be virile. If you want he can still make the first move in bed.

    Being a keyholder to your locked up man offers a fulfilling sex life, arousal, pleasure and fun, but in a different way. A way where his attention is focused on you rather than his own penis, this means that sexual delights have much less to do with traditional “penis-in-vagina” intercourse, and more to do with the delights of extended foreplay, exploration, sensuality, and arousal. You could even combine it with Tantric sexuality.

    Holding the key to has chastity device means you can orgasm as often as you like, he can be the soul provider of these orgasms, whilst he is denied the pleasure of his own.

    When you’d like to experience full intercourse, release him, then lock him up again. You might like to experiment with his self control, with cum-control, in this case release him ask him to pleasure you but instruct him not to cum. Afterwards lock him up again.

    Should he be allowed to cum?

    Yes! But how often this happens is up to you. He will probably suggest when it should be, but really it is your decision. The special allure of chastity is the promise of an overwhelming orgasm with you. It’s the build up of sexual anticipation that makes chastity work, so he must be allowed to cum – occasionally!

    Once his penis is locked in a Chastity Device he lives in a state of high erotic anticipation which can be joyous, sensually provocative and yet very frustrating, but without the promise of an overwhelming orgasm shared with you, chastity may not work. Very few many men dream of being locked up and their penis totally ignored.

    Why does he want me to hold his key?

    What excites him is that his penis becomes yours. You control its freedom. You hold the key. You are his Keyholder.

    Chastity relies on the excitement of the mind before arousal of his body. This teaches us that the role of the keyholder is pivotal to the chastity lovestyle. You arouse his thoughts by holding his key which prevents him from touching his penis and so that masturbation is almost impossible – without your permission.

    When he first hands over his key, part of his fantasy is fulfilled, and if you choose you could wear the key around your neck. We’d recommend that you take a look at our Chastity Article about Emergency Keys. Always make sure you have a spare – just in case!

    As you and your lover experiment with male chastity it’s possible that you may become closer and the bond between you enriches as fantasies are shared and enacted. You may discover that trust, communication, support and the love shared between you flourishes.

    As a keyholder you may discover when your man is safely locked in his chastity device and looking forward to a “Cum-Day” that he will strive just a little more than usual towards better servitude both around the home and in the bedroom. The promise of release is a most compelling stimulant!

    Chastity and Submission – Isn’t it a sign of weakness?

    If your man is submissive in the bedroom he can still be masculine, sexy, have the ability to inspire you, arouse you, love you and care for you. Being submissive is to him something special that’s a part of this character which he may only allow out to play with you, because he trusts you implicitly, and no one else.

    Many men in highly powerful jobs need a release from work sometimes, which is why they venture into submission and chastity.

    Wearing a chastity device and being submissive in private will not impinge on his ability at work.

    Submission is not weakness. Submission involves your husband having great trust and belief in you. Submission involves having the confidence to express oneself. It’s about placing your needs above his. Submission is honouring you with his mind, body and soul.

    Will wearing a chastity device hurt him?

    At times it will feel as if the cage of his chastity device is “caressing” his penis, this can heighten arousal, and might feel like he’s wearing your own personal “bondage cuddle”.

    He will find that the beginnings of an erection feels more like an “erotic pain” rather than being unbearably painful. These sensations will bring his mind back to you, his keyholder, his loving wife.

    Generally wearing a chastity device does not hurt, but you shouldn’t always expect it to feel comfortable right away, it can take a little while for him to become used to it both physically and mentally. If he does experience discomfort, it’s likely to be initially felt around the scrotum where the cock ring of the chastity device fits. He may notice a little pinching and it can take up to 2 weeks or more to get the perfect fit and comfort techniques.

    His penis isn’t going to rub against his trousers or underpants as it might normally, it will be denied almost all touch. When he goes to the bathroom that will be a different experience too. Wearing a chastity device means that can he cannot touch himself and it’s likely he’ll need to sit down to pee.

    He is going to feel sexually frustrated at times. As he embarks on his male chastity journey with you holding his key its almost certain that he will be expecting some amount of frustration, but it’s impact won’t be experienced until he’s gone longer than usual without an orgasm. He may get irritable and ask to be released. Whether this release happens is up to you. Don’t always give in to him, otherwise, to use a very popular phrase in the D/s world, he’s “topping from the bottom”. He’s actually controlling you and getting what HE wants.

    How long should I keep him locked up?

    Before locking your man in chastity for more than a few hours he needs to be accustomed to wearing a chastity device, there needs to be a breaking in period, which he must dictate. He shouldn’t simply expect to put on a device for the first time and discover a perfect comfortable fit. It take a while to adjust himself both physically and mentally. Wearing it a few hours each evening when home from work is a good way to become accustomed to wearing a chastity device. As his keyholder encourage him to temper the excitement of fantasy with the necessities of reality.

    Most men once used to wearing their device tend to be locked up in weekly blocks, i.e. 7, 14, or 21 days or for a month or two. However, when you are starting out with male chastity it’s best to agree a target between you for the first few occasions. Chat about it and be realistic, discover what he thinks he can sensibly achieve, don’t be too ambitious to begin with.

    You should keep these agreed periods quite short until your man is completely used to his device. Often this can mean just locking him up whilst you go shopping, then progress to lock-ins lasting for the weekend, starting on Friday night and then releasing him on Sunday evening (or Monday morning if he hasn’t done his duties properly). Over the weeks you can extend this period each time, until he has settled in to his device and is comfortable for extended periods.

    Once you have agreed the length of time for him to be locked up, whether it’s a day or a week, as his keyholder make sure you stick to it. However much he moans and complains stick to your guns and don’t allow him the key and freedom until the hour of his release has been reached, and if he keeps on complaining, threaten to extend it by another day! He’ll thank you for it all the more in the end!

    Take a Break:

    To keep the delights of chastity alive, you need to to a break from it, particularly if your husband is a long term wearer. Anything we do, any activity we partake of, can become uninteresting and boring if it becomes the everyday accepted way of living. The same is true of chastity.

    Often couples will stop using the chastity device for a month or so, and return to chastity with a fresh exciting awareness. We tend to be “Creatures of Habit” and this familiarity eventually creates disillusionment or boredom with any subject that’s a constant focus in our lives. Often it is the keyholder who dictates this.

    Further Reading:

    Styles and Designs
    Buying Guide
    How does it feel to wear a chastity device?


    Saskia Zenn

    About the Author… Saskia Zenn has worked for the last fifteen years in Marketing and PR. Over the course of her career, Saskia has managed all forms of Public Relations and Marketing campaigns for several high-profile and international organisations, and it is this flair and creativity which she brings to the new Tickleberry website.

    “Becoming a co-owner of Tickleberry is a fantastic opportunity for me to bring together my personal and professional passions to create a really meaningful resource website for the BDSM community.”