Saying It With Pain

The natural truth in BDSM relationships

A few nights ago I was talking to a friend about Cock and Ball torture. She’s not into BDSM but she’s one of the very few ‘outsiders’ I know I can trust and talk to about the subject. While I was describing one of my latest sessions she laughed and said “I can think of a few weedy bastards whose bollocks I could stamp on. It must be great having someone you can really hurt for fun”. It struck me that this is the view from outside: BDSM is all about finding someone weak. And then hurting them.

Slaves are equal. They have equality in both human rights and dignity. BDSM outsiders cannot see this. All they see is dominance, violence and sexual gratification. Which is a pity because I think they’re really missing the point.

Being on the BDSM ‘inside’ as it were often gives us a view on human relationships which most people don’t see. How often do we encounter such deep trust in our everyday lives? Even in our everyday relationships?

It comes down to risk. The greater the risk, the greater the trust. And this is true for both submissive and Dominant. The submissive needs to be sure that he will come to no real harm, will not be seriously hurt or killed. Equally, the Dominant needs to be sure that she will not be lured into going to far, or betrayed to the authorities. Prison is not nice for Doms.

This is the beauty of the BDSM relationship. It has a natural truth which can only exist when two people know, trust and care for each other.

Take Safe Words. They aren’t just there for the benefit of the sub. They protect the Dominant, too. The sub has to be as honest in using them as the Dom is in responding to them. “I won’t let you go too far” is just as important as “I won’t harm you”. And yes, I am making a distinction between hurt and harm, pain and permanent damage.

The shared sub/Dom experience involves many aspects of fantasy creation and enactment. It’s a form of role play that considerably extends foreplay, heightens anticipation and embellishes sexual pleasure. Divine Domination is fantasy enactment that can last from a single playtime session to days of tease and denial, and for some Dominance and submission becomes an all encompassing lifestyle.

Some years ago I spoke to a man in his sixties who had given himself over to his wife. Totally. Every aspect of his life was controlled by her 24/7. I asked him what had made him want to go so far.

“I’m in a world now where I know the rules, know how to live. If I am good I am rewarded. If not, I am punished. Everything I do is governed by Her and I server her with all my heart. It’s so much better”.

“What make the difference? From just having it at the weekends, I mean?”

“My life is controlled by someone who loves me. It doesn’t get better than that”.

Dominance and submission is all about controlling another. It can bring emotional and sexual fulfilment, provide a sense of adventure and have your man quivering with passion and desire for nobody but you.

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Mark Tomblesen

About the Author … Mark Tomblesen is a Creative Director with a digital media firm in London. He has worked in the video and DM fields since the mid Nineties.

“BDSM and Fetish are reaching out to a whole new audience and Tickleberry has been created to meet the everyday needs of the growing BDSM community. It’s been really great to be a part of this.”